I found a jar of mayonnaise in my fridge that expired 9 months ago. It’s 3AM and I really don’t want to go buy another jar because I already put the meat and lettuce on my sandwich. What should I do?
-Adam Prater, Iowa
First of all, if the mayo doesn’t have any golf-ball sized clusters of mold growing in it, then stop being a pussy and just dive right in. Expiration dates, generally, are a way to convince pussies like you to go buy more of the product.
But let’s say that the jar is, in fact, crawling with maggots. Then obviously I wouldn’t recommend that you eat that shit. Throw it out…of your goddamn window and into your neighbor’s yard. You don’t want that mayo-nasty stinking up your crib and attracting rodents and dirty hobos. Next, you need to find a substitute condiment. Butter isn’t quite as dope as mayo, but it can do the trick in large quantities. I also hear marshmallow fluff and Nutella make for quite the concoction. And don’t forget to add Tabasco sauce, pussy.
Enjoy your sandwich. And next time remember to stock up on mayo. Or you can just use ketchup like normal people.
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